What I. Roseanne have learned as a mom and wife. So much so that I though I jot down my personal favs of my list and of Bonnie and Jacob's list of what they've learned in the Colvin family and also the list from Holly on being a mom.(I took the liberty of putting guilty parties names down in red after the sentence.)
30 Do Nots and Nevers : Top 10 Favorites
1. Do not freak when you see in the toilet a huge pile of pubic hairs. It was just your husband's beard.
3. Do not let your keys out of your sight, even at church. They fit into church electricity outlets and make black smoke. (Zack)
6. Do not try to help out your husband by deciding to put up the new fan. You will push the wrong breaker and delete his computer work.
9. Do not change a poopy diaper with out help present. You will be simultaneously puked on by another kid and will be unable to move. (Grant and Abby tag team)
12. Never let you kids answer about how they tripped and got stitches. Their version will involve dad and a knife. (Zack)
14. Do not ask small children to be on their best behavior. They will punch you in front of the bishop. (Zack)
17. Never turn away a baby who can tell you he has got a poopy. He will return again with the evidence in hand. (Grant)
26. Don't freak out when you find 20 steak knives in your 3 year old son's bed. They are his teddy bears. (Zack)
29. Don't freak out when your son's bike is stolen. Drive by the nearest Junior high and retrieve it from the bushes.
30. Don't freak out when your son poops bright neon colors. Simply throw remaining water balloons away. (Grant)
Top Favorites of Jacob's list on the Colvin family:
6 Never play with “foot-cats” no matter how much they “beg” you to (Trisha and her evil foot cats...)
7 Don’t save up money to let bonnie buy a barbie with it.
8 Don’t clean up room until dad threatens to throw it all away in 5 minuets
10 Never let mom investigate a roach with out throwing it on her first (Jacob)
top favs of what Bonnie has learned in the Colvin family.
1. Do not leave wrappers lying around….Dad will tell Mom she shouldn’t buy the kids food anymore.
5. Do not eat food that has someone’s name on it….you will be found and taken down.
9. Do not get yourself food and get upset when everyone “copies” you.
12. Never get attached to a pet….it might be that “something extra” in your next sloppy joe.
13. Do not trust Roseanne….you may become her next science/psychological testing guinea pig.
14. Do not depants Jacob…….you’ll get much more than you bargained for. (Bonnie)
15. Never chase Roseanne………….your face will connect with a door somehow & you will be wondering how many fingers Mom is holding up.
18. Never leave a pencil in the couch……. it will end up in Jacob’s butt
20. Never staple a bag of popcorn and put it in the microwave…..it will catch on fire (Bonnie)
21. Do not go to the doctor….Just put some Oil of Oregano on that….or how ‘bout some Colloidal Silver
23. Never stand near Roseanne when she is swinging a bat or starting up a lawnmower….you will get bust in the face or gut
28.Don't worry if Jacob is getting enough to eat……he’ll have a hoard of food under his bed…just incase
29. Don't waste precious time going to the bathroom if you’re cooking macaroni….just go in a cup (Jacob)
30. Don't leave your play dough dinosaur lying around…..someone might accidentally ingest it ( Bonnie ate jake's dino's tail )
Holly's list: (I have personally done #9 with the same dog, not a good idea...)
1Never feed your daughter bannans and formula, shake her up then pass her to grammy at her christmas party when you are both dressed nice.
3DO take funny pictures of your husband in the bath tub with your baby, because he wears his swimming trunks in fear of his daughter "looking at his peices parts..."
5DO not plug christmas lights in when the cord was sitting in a puddle of rain water, all the power goes out, while holding the baby in her car seat standing in the rain, while tripping over a drain and twisting your ankle.
9DO NOT walk your dog with your stroller..when cats are around.
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